I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
