Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My bed smells like the plague
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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