Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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