Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
