Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
