i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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