i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
