does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
