Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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