Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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