You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
