I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
