I think my fart just growled at me.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
