Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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