my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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