Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
