guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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