I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
