My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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