You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
