it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
