oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
