My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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