I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
