She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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