She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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