I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
