$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
