Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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