the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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