Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
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