My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
