my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
