im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
