Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
