She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
