On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just google imaged poop.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
