maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i would punch a child for taco bell
We got so high we made milksteak
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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