My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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