I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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