so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
