Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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