My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
