It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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