If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
