Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
not ubering you a puppy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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