I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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