What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
