one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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