cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
