i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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