unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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