What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
