I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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