Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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