So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
