if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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